I've been listening to some podcasts from Jillian Michaels. She has some really interesting perspectives behind a lot of different ideas. I've decided I need a tantrum mat. lol And maybe Laylee needs a tantrum mat. When we internalize our feelings and don't acknowledge what we're feeling we express those feelings in a lot of different ways.. And everyone expresses them differently. Obviously I just eat them. So once I acknowledge them where do I go from there? Things can't continue the way they have been. Not sleeping well, eating like crap, it's all spiraling out of control. So I have to ask myself, Why? What is so bad in my life that I can't control cravings and bad decisions.
Negative Thinkings
Putting Myself Down
Feeling Discouraged
Is all of this coming from being overweight or has overweight become the effect of how I've felt my whole life. Is it the result of never acknowledging feelings I've had my whole life. I've always wanted to be healthy and fit and able to do things I can't do right now. I want to be in control of my life and my feelings.
Making a change is difficult, but I always seem to get halfway there when I try something new. But it doesn't matter how long I keep at something, the old way of handling feelings always seems to creep back in and takes over. So I still have to ask myself, What is so bad? Why can't I get control of my own feelings.
Maybe it's not so much "getting control of my feelings" maybe it's more handling and dealing with the emotions that I have. Isn't that really what acknowledging is all about? I'm not trying to change them, it's more accepting them as they come and acting on the source of them. That's where the tantrum mat comes in sometimes.
I can imagine sort of what that would look like, (blleeeeeep bleeeeeeep bleeeeeep.. Stomp, stomp, kick, punch.... soooo on and so forth.) I mean, really, I could get really into it and lie flat on the floor with my legs and arm out wailing like Laylee does. It would feel really good. Expressing that energy...... But more than that, it's recognizing that those feelings are there. I want that freaking cookie... I want it to not make me fat. I want it to not sabotage the efforts I've made. I want it to not set me on a downward spiral. I want it to not trigger emotions of worthlessness. I want it I want it I want it.
I'm so frustrated with myself for the last couple of days. It really does go to show that once you set your mind to something, once you've finally decided that enough is enough and today is the day that you're going to make a serious change. That's the day that your husband is going to come home and say. Let's have pizza. The husband who is anti-pizza. It's probably been 6 months to a year since he's mentioned pizza. But I can't put it on him. He didn't know that today was the day. The day to make a change and start new. I feel like he gets frustrated when I start all over again. Failing over and over and over doesn't portray the exact pattern that this is the time things are going to be different. I'm sure he's thinking. "well in couple days she'll be done with this and we'll be back to pizza for dinner and ice cream and cookies for dessert."
Tantrum Mat
But I want this. Buck up Sarah. Make decisions that are going to result in success.
I may not be there yet, but I'll get there. No matter what it takes, I'll get there. I refuse to let the trivial things of today weigh down my tomorrow.
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